A dissertation is not supposed to be fun.
But I guess I am doing it wrong.
I’m proud of what I’m accomplishing. I think it’s important work. It’s therapeutic for me, and I believe there’s a chance that it will be useful and helpful to others.
Not millions.
Not hundreds.
But someone here and someone there might feel a little freer from a narrative that has enslaved them.
That would be a really good day.
If my dissertation were a movie, this would be the soundtrack.
Like almost all humans, I really like music. But I’ve never been a knowledgeable connoisseur of music.. I’m pretty basic, and I’m sure that’s reflected here. But this does have a lot of deep personal resonance.
Here’s the playlist, linked here to Amazon Music, and below. I’ll make some comments throughout and at the end.
“Here and Now” by Letters to Cleo
“Never Let You Go” by Third Eye Blind
“We’ll Meet Agan” by TheFatRat
“Walk” by Foo Fighters
“Back to the Shack” by Weezer
“The Underdog” by Spoon
“Allison Road” by the Gin Blossoms
“Shadowboxer” by Fiona Apple
“(I’m Gonna) Run Away” by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
“This is What You Told Me” by MXPX
“Rising Kingdom” by Captain Sparkelz
“For Those About to Rock” by AC/DC
“I Wanna Get Better” by Bleachers
“Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” by Guns ‘n Roses
“Misplaced Memories” by MXPX
“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd
I see three major themes that emerge from these songs, and I think they are well reflected in the driving ethos of my dissertation work.
Songs of Presence and Mortality
I’m sure that sounds weird. Presence and Mortality? How do those concepts go together?
Without getting into the meat of the dissertation, I’ll simply say that the pull towards hero systems and immortalizing ourselves tends to pull us towards what we think will have a grand impact and away from full presence in the mundane and the “every day”.
Increasingly, I think that Jesus builds his Kingdom more from ordinary love of neighbor and small, even banal acts of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control than from the grand, the sweeping, the viral.
In many ways, to give oneself fully to presence in the mundane is an acceptance of finitude. Of limitation. Of mortality.
If there’s an overarching theme song to my dissertation, it’s “Here and Now” by Letters to Cleo, a song about inner conflict between full presence and contentment in the mundane on the one hand, and our insatiable hunger for more on the other.
Some of the other songs I see on the playlist fitting into this theme are “This is What You Told Me” by MXPX and “Knockin’ on Heavens Door” by Guns N’ Roses (to me, the ultimate song about acceptance of mortality). My son, Sev, also got me into the song “Rising Kingdom” by Captain Sparkelz–a song created by, of all things, a Minecraft YouTuber that really captures something about our compulsion to build glorious little kingdoms for ourselves. Finally, AC/DC’s rock anthem “For Those About to Rock” is a jubilantly carnal celebration of living in the moment (complete with rousing cannonfire, in case if I’ve fallen asleep writing at my computer).
Songs of Repentance
In many ways, this dissertation is an act of repentance. That is, an act of turning my back on the way I used to walk and embracing a new path.
Increasingly, I think the three most freeing words in the English language are the words “I was wrong”. They are scary words, but when the fear is overcome and we learn to say them, the resulting freedom from the need to be right is powerful. I think that feeling is reflected best by one of my all-time favorite songs, “Allison Road” by the Gin Blossoms. The recurring refrain of the song is, “I didn’t know I was lost at the time.” It sounds dour, like it’s a confession. It sounds like something you would say with your head hung low. But when Robin Wilson sings it, it actually sounds celebratory, an expression of relief. Like he’s saying, “I figured out I was going in the wrong direction. I had to figure that out in order to go in the right direction.
A significant run of songs in the midsection of the playlist are Songs of Repentance, including “Walk” by Foo Fighters, “Back to the Shack” by Weezer, and, from a certain point of view, “Shawdowboxer” by Fiona Apple and “(I’m Gonna) Run Away” by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts. Those last two visualize not turning away from a path, a decision, or a way of life but turning away (running away from or fighting, in fact) a toxic former lover. “I Wanna Get Better” by Bleachers is a new favorite of mine, a late addition to this list, and a great Song of Repentance.
Songs of Longing
Some of the most poignant songs to me on this playlist are Songs of Longing. This goes back to the emotions I expressed in my posts “The Barbecue” and “The Barbecue, Revisited”. Many people I care about deeply are, I think, still captive to some of the narratives I’m addressing in my dissertation. “Captive” because they enslave. They are life-draining. They are anti-Christ in the real sense of standing athwart the Way of Jesus.
I long for them to be free. I long for the estrangement I feel between us because we see the Way of Jesus now in such a fundamentally different light to be broken.
I believe the best Song of Longing ever written (and one of the best songs, period, ever written) is Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”. And the lyrics speak strongly to ideological estrangement. If you’ve never sat with the lyrics by Roger Waters, allow me to share them with you.
So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain,
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail
A smile from a veil,
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts,
Hot ashes for trees,
Hot air for a cool breeze,
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk-on part in a war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish...how I wish you were here!
We’re like two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year,
Running over this same old ground
‘Til we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
To me, these lyrics speak of people who now see the world in diametrically different ways. But as David Gilmour sings it, he isn’t here to argue. He’s here to express how deeply he wishes the estrangement could cease.
I feel that deeply.
And I’m hit with similar longing by the remaining songs on this list: “Never Let You Go” by Third Eye Blind and the hopeful “We’ll Meet Again” by TheFatRat, my daughter Ellie’s contribution to this list.
Some of you are much better music minds than mine. I’d love to hear some of your favorite songs of presence (and mortality), repentance, and longing in the comments. Help me expand the soundtrack!
AI Statement: All of the text contained in this post is original to me. An AI program (ChatGPT by OpenAI) was utilized for review, revision, and proofreading of this piece.
Nice, Jeff! I also love listening to music while I write and enjoy noticing the themes among the music I'm listening to.